100%

I've been trying to figure out where this insecurity came from.  I haven't always lived like this.  How have i come to question everything?  Don't get me wrong i've always been rather introspective, but always questioning my motives and always wondering if i'm right.  That's not helpful that's crippling.
This back and forth reminds me of when i didn't go to Uganda.  I signed up for a missions trip my first year at ORU.  Johnathan was the team leader.  I remember being so excited to go with him.  I really looked up to him.  He was an older MDiv student and everything he said carried weight.  He was one of those people that when he spoke the argument was over.  He lived right across the hall from a very different kind of man...  You know, i'm not even sure i know what this man's major was...  Hu, anyway he was Nathen.  He was also older also but way cooler than Johnathan.  The kind of cool that said mildly inappropriate things.  He did what he wanted and didn't feel guilty about it.
I remember walking down the hall and being struck by these stark differences these men had.  One i knew was a man of G-d who heard His voice and would unquestionably obey.  The other had swagger, he walked with an air of confidence and knew all the secret stories and folk lore of the campus.  Not a particularly righteous man but surely not a particularly unrighteous man.  I mean hey, he went to ORU...
So, my trip to Uganda was starting swimmingly.  My family and i have felt to go to ORU because it had an emphasis on missions.  A missions trip was the inevitable conclusion!  I signed up after i heard a girl i kinda liked was going.  She wasn't a huge crush but her going combined with Johnathan leading has all the motivation i needed.  I'd go to Uganda, see how powerful the L-rd is through seeing Johnathan preach and pray for people to be healed, come back home and pray for all the sick and everyone would be healed.  And who knew, after spending a month in close quarters with my lady friend maybe i'd still like her and ask her out...  But something about it just didn't sit right with me.
I remember going and praying about Uganda and asking the L-rd if i could go then having a peace.  Then a couple weeks later i wouldn't have peace about going so i'd go pray till i had peace.  Then a couple weeks later i wouldn't feel good about it again.
This went on for about three months.  Of course as the trip came closer it intensified.  I had to raise funds 3000 big ones.  :)  Raising $3000 means i'm supposed to go right? haha  Well, the last week before the trip everyone went to a camp to do some team building.  That was a good week.  I'll never forget climbing up a 30 foot pole to jump off and try to grab a horizontal bar 6 feet way...  I was the only one who got my hands on it.  Then slipped right off... It's one of those things that only works if you put yourself in 100%.
I remember praying with my parents about the trip after the camp.  I was feeling like i wasn't supposed to go again.  During that conversation i decided to not go.  It was 3 days before the take off and i would have to tell everyone at my home church that i didn't go...  It was empty and peaceful.  It felt like giving up.  It felt like dying.  It felt clean, peaceful and calm.
I ended up going on a missions trip to Mexico with my home church.  It wasn't as glamorous as Uganda but several gang members gave their lives to the L-rd and a kid with throat cancer was healed when i prayed for him.  And our youth pastor at the time had gotten sick.  He was pail white.  I prayed for him and he turned pink instantly.  The L-rd told me that they were going to be healed when i prayed for them.  It wasn't a proud feeling and there wasn't any heat in my hands or any big sign.  I just knew that they would be healed when i prayed for them.  It's very humbling to be used by HaShem this way.  Praise the L-rd!

The truth is that miracles happen that the L-rd doesn't tell me in advance about.  Sometimes He doesn't show me up front or give me a feeling of supreme peace.  But i know for a fact that despite my inner longings and desires He has never given me anything bad.
So, i guess the point of my processing/ sharing is just to remind myself that He is good.  That He has good things in store for me.  And that i want to give 100% even if it means i only end up touching the bar for a second before i fall off, because i know He works all things together for good.

PS: Check out Ps 107 if you get a chance.  No matter where you are cry out to the L-rd with all your heart, repent and He will listen.  He hasn't left.  You are just refusing to listen.
Night ya'll.