What does the Lord have to do to get our hearts?  Can a shallow struggle reach deep inside our desires and dreams?  If He is going to communicate with us on an intimate, core level He has to make it personal.  He deals with the things we love most.  Our deepest desires.  Our deepest dreams.  He tenderly comes wooing our affections.  We lay down our time, our money, our entertainment and He wins that place right next to our heart.  We are so in love and we've never experience this before, we've given Him everything and He is all about us...  Then He asks for that one thing we didn't want to give.

The only way to communicate on the heart level, to have a 100% devotion, trust, love and desire for Him is if He offends our desire.  Everything that we hold dear is a tool to communicate who He is and how much He desires to be with us.

I imagine this interaction between us and HaShem as if it were to lovers.  "Love, I don't want you to go out tonight. I miss being with you. I miss spending time with you."  How would you respond?  How do I respond?  Do we call Him clingy?  Do we call Him overly demanding, manipulative or controlling?  Is He needy?

He never does anything just to annoy us or irritate us.  He never takes something away from us in order to be cruel or vindictive.  He doesn't use His power to lord it over us.  He's not looking for a chance to prove to us that we are wrong and rub it in our faces.

He wants to give us the best.  He wants everything we have.  Every drop, every sin, every mikva, every desire, every hope, every dream.  He wants everything.  He's a jealous God.  Everything we bring will be tested by fire and water and Spirit.  We will only receive back what remains.  The best, the purest He has to offer. He's good at gifts.

But all this sounds too harsh.  Well, it is intense but the joy of it all.  The joy of this beautiful death.  A life laid down just for us...  Let Him wash your feet.  Enjoy the tickle of your toes being gently scrubbed.  Rejoice and wonder at the mystery of the Perfect One washing your feet.  Allow it to change your heart.  

He has joy for us here in the longing.  He has desire and plans for us.  Wake up oh sleeper!  Our beloved is catching our foxes.  He has built for us a wall.  He has gathered the fruit.  He has prepared a table for us even if we are surrounded by those who hate us.  He will honor us before them.  In quite places we will rest.  In dreams we will praise Him. Songs will come from us not from sorrow but from love.  Love for Him will consume our hearts and praise will flow from our pores.  Why should we be afraid?  If He says it, it will be.  If He says it, it will be good.

Don't you want to give Him everything?  Don't you want to do your best for Him?  Don't you see Him dancing with you?  What have we ever gained by waiting and holding back?  He doesn't mind our awkward moves...  He wan't do dance with us!  Forward in Him always.  Always, seek Him.  He wants you and He's right there!

100%

I've been trying to figure out where this insecurity came from.  I haven't always lived like this.  How have i come to question everything?  Don't get me wrong i've always been rather introspective, but always questioning my motives and always wondering if i'm right.  That's not helpful that's crippling.
This back and forth reminds me of when i didn't go to Uganda.  I signed up for a missions trip my first year at ORU.  Johnathan was the team leader.  I remember being so excited to go with him.  I really looked up to him.  He was an older MDiv student and everything he said carried weight.  He was one of those people that when he spoke the argument was over.  He lived right across the hall from a very different kind of man...  You know, i'm not even sure i know what this man's major was...  Hu, anyway he was Nathen.  He was also older also but way cooler than Johnathan.  The kind of cool that said mildly inappropriate things.  He did what he wanted and didn't feel guilty about it.
I remember walking down the hall and being struck by these stark differences these men had.  One i knew was a man of G-d who heard His voice and would unquestionably obey.  The other had swagger, he walked with an air of confidence and knew all the secret stories and folk lore of the campus.  Not a particularly righteous man but surely not a particularly unrighteous man.  I mean hey, he went to ORU...
So, my trip to Uganda was starting swimmingly.  My family and i have felt to go to ORU because it had an emphasis on missions.  A missions trip was the inevitable conclusion!  I signed up after i heard a girl i kinda liked was going.  She wasn't a huge crush but her going combined with Johnathan leading has all the motivation i needed.  I'd go to Uganda, see how powerful the L-rd is through seeing Johnathan preach and pray for people to be healed, come back home and pray for all the sick and everyone would be healed.  And who knew, after spending a month in close quarters with my lady friend maybe i'd still like her and ask her out...  But something about it just didn't sit right with me.
I remember going and praying about Uganda and asking the L-rd if i could go then having a peace.  Then a couple weeks later i wouldn't have peace about going so i'd go pray till i had peace.  Then a couple weeks later i wouldn't feel good about it again.
This went on for about three months.  Of course as the trip came closer it intensified.  I had to raise funds 3000 big ones.  :)  Raising $3000 means i'm supposed to go right? haha  Well, the last week before the trip everyone went to a camp to do some team building.  That was a good week.  I'll never forget climbing up a 30 foot pole to jump off and try to grab a horizontal bar 6 feet way...  I was the only one who got my hands on it.  Then slipped right off... It's one of those things that only works if you put yourself in 100%.
I remember praying with my parents about the trip after the camp.  I was feeling like i wasn't supposed to go again.  During that conversation i decided to not go.  It was 3 days before the take off and i would have to tell everyone at my home church that i didn't go...  It was empty and peaceful.  It felt like giving up.  It felt like dying.  It felt clean, peaceful and calm.
I ended up going on a missions trip to Mexico with my home church.  It wasn't as glamorous as Uganda but several gang members gave their lives to the L-rd and a kid with throat cancer was healed when i prayed for him.  And our youth pastor at the time had gotten sick.  He was pail white.  I prayed for him and he turned pink instantly.  The L-rd told me that they were going to be healed when i prayed for them.  It wasn't a proud feeling and there wasn't any heat in my hands or any big sign.  I just knew that they would be healed when i prayed for them.  It's very humbling to be used by HaShem this way.  Praise the L-rd!

The truth is that miracles happen that the L-rd doesn't tell me in advance about.  Sometimes He doesn't show me up front or give me a feeling of supreme peace.  But i know for a fact that despite my inner longings and desires He has never given me anything bad.
So, i guess the point of my processing/ sharing is just to remind myself that He is good.  That He has good things in store for me.  And that i want to give 100% even if it means i only end up touching the bar for a second before i fall off, because i know He works all things together for good.

PS: Check out Ps 107 if you get a chance.  No matter where you are cry out to the L-rd with all your heart, repent and He will listen.  He hasn't left.  You are just refusing to listen.
Night ya'll.

Show me your Faith by your Mercy

You can not show mercy unless you have received mercy.  Or to put it this way, in order to forgive others you must first experience someone forgiving you.  Wish i could put more time into this blog but i think i'll just copy and paste some lyrics from a band i've been feeling lately...  Check them out.



Band: Beautiful Eulogy

Song: 'Blessed are the Merciful' (with Art Azurdia)





Are you merciful? Why?
Because Jesus healed the sick, 
because Jesus fed the multitudes, 
because Jesus gave legs to the crippled,
because Jesus granted sight to the blind,
because Jesus opened the ears of the deaf,
because Jesus found prostitutes and tax collectors and drew them into the sphere of His love.
Because Jesus touched the untouchable,
and loved the unlovable, 
and forgave the unforgivable, 
and welcomed the undesirable.
Because Jesus even now saves the otherwise unsavable, why!?
Because they deserve it!?
When the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, 
He saved us NOT because of works done in righteousness,
NOT because we met Him halfway,
NOT because we took the proper steps forward, 
and in good faith have elevated ourselves to the place of the deserving poor,
but according to His MERCY!

We are here because Jesus Christ didn't say with cold indifference,
"Give them what they deserve, they brought it on themselves!"
Jesus Christ IS the Mercy of God!
And seeing us in our misery and need, 
He doesn't just feel for us, 
He takes the necessary action to relieve our distress.
He leaves the eternal glory of heaven and the perfect fellowship of the Trinity.
He condescends to us,
lives among us,
suffers like us,
dies for us!
Do you understand this!?
Have YOU experienced this!?
How then is it possible to EXPERIENCE it and not DISPLAY it!?
IT ISN'T POSSIBLE!!!
YOU HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED IT IF YOU DON'T DISPLAY IT!!
The evidence of God's mercy in your life isn't determined by how much theology you know,
by how many books you read,
but by your active goodness to people in misery and in need!

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

How do you think Jacob felt?

Gen 28:20 Jacob took this vow, "If G-d will be with me and will guard me on this road that i am traveling, giving me bread to eat and clothes to wear, so that i return to my father's house in peace, then ADONAI will be my G-d; and this stone, which i have set up as a standing-stone, will be G-ds house; and of everything He gives me, i will return one-tenth to Him."

This passage sounds so much like the prayers i was told not to pray growing up in church...  'L-rd if you give me this one thing then i'll follow you forever.'  or 'Papa, if you let me have such and such then I will believe You exist...'

Anyway,
Ben Juster came to Torah study a while ago and mentioned something along these lines.  He said that the L-rd proved Himself to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, not just Abraham who then taught Isaac and Jacob to follow Him.  The L-rd showed Himself to each one of these men showing them they could trust Him.

Christianity, or however you want to label the practice of generational worship to the Father, is not about blind faith.  Christianity is about learning who the L-rd is, how He relates in history, how He relates in community and how He relates personally.

Our Husband said, 'Blessed are those who believe and do not see me.'  I dont know if i'm the only one who thinks this but sometimes i wonder if He's talking about me.  Am i blessed?  Here i am roughly two thousand years after He floats up into the sky and all i've got to know He's who He says He is is a big book with a hundred different interpretations, a country that still exists, and a feeling that's hard to explain...

This makes personally relating to our Husband rather fuzzy...  tie it in with our modern poster child (postmodern man) where truth has been ingrained into my skull as my interpenetration of personal experiences and it's even fuzzier.  So, whether the mirror is fuzzy or dim it's all the same.  We are all stumbling around blindly in thick darkness, searching for G-d who finds glory in hiding...

What are we to do?  Go for a walk, take a nap, and use The Rock as a pillow?  I can't imagine a rock being very comfortable and yet He says He's the only comfort we have.  I've never seen water come out of a rock and yet He says He's the only source of eternal satisfaction.  He wants to satisfy our thirst and yet by natural inclination we torture ourselves worshiping the water rather than the source.  So, desiring to bless us with the things we have a tendency to worship rather than Him He has no choice but to give and take away, give and take away, give and take away until it's pounded into our heads that He's the source not the object.  It's no goose down!

Now our modern poster child runs the risk of, unless rooted in one of the more accurate interpretations of the big book, confuses this 'give and take' as proof of the nonexistence of the Giver.

So, where's the hope?  Our hope is in a country He said would always exist and still does.  Our hope is in the L-rd, maker of heaven and earth.  Our hope is believing He will supply our daily bread.  Our hope is believing He will bring us back safely into our Fathers home.  Our hope is the consummation of a promised union.  And our struggles, fights, confusion and persecution are minimal compared to the glory of that day for He is not a man that He would change his mind...

So, yea i guess am blessed.  It just looks a little different than i thought a blessing from the L-rd would look like.

4.20.13

'And I'm afraid and everyone's afraid
And everyone knows it but we don't have to be afraid anymore.' - Torches Together by MeWithOutYou

I'm reminded of a band i listened to a lot in high school.  Something about this music just hits my guts, hits my deep passions and desires.

I am doing some free counseling sessions for a friend of Cristina's that's finishing her masters.  I'm beginning to see my desire for intimacy as a positive thing.  I think i used to be so embarrassed of this desire that i wouldn't even let myself know i felt it...  In my session this week, Monica called me a 'people person.'  I've always seen this as a negative thing too.  A 'people person' has in my past conjured up ideas like irresponsibility, air-headedness, ignorance, over compassion...  But during this session i was able to see 'people personness' as just the ability to be good with people.  And also, that this is just one aspect of who i am not my whole identity.  It's cool to see this as a positive part of me instead of a consuming obstacle to be overcome.

That said, i had an interview at Farmers insurance this week.  I've grown up with a negative stereotype to sales people...  My dad sold water softeners when i was a kid and it didn't have much success with it.  So, i heard about it growing up that sales is a bad deal...  but i'm understanding this is my parents experience with sales and that doesn't necessarily mean it will be my experience.  So, i've been praying about it quietly in my heart.

1 Cor 10:13 'No temptation has seized you beyond what people normally experience, and God can be trusted not to allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. On the contrary, along with the temptation he will also provide the way out, so that you will be able to endure.'

What an encouraging verse.  I especially like it when tied with the quote from MeWithOutYou about being afraid.  'I'm afraid, your afraid and everyones afraid...'  All men have been afraid.  Fear is not an uncommon temptation among men.  But Yeshua has conquered fear, He will offer a way out, He will guide and provide when we focus on His path.

I feel like im in a season of making G-d my own, or rather G-d making me His...  Where i am learning about Yeshua from Yeshua instead of just simply trusting what others have experienced and believed.  It's a growing process and sometimes feels rebellious because it may mean disagreeing with people whom i love and respect.  I have spent 27 years following the G-d of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, but i believe the L-rd is now desiring to have a personal relationship with me.  So, i can truly say i follow the L-rd my strength, my shield, and my comfort.  Which is really what i want.  I want true intimacy with Yeshua, and if i am allowed, intimacy with the father.

So, i may do things people have advised me to not do, and i may not fit the mold my mentors have cut out for me...  I pray Yeshua keeps me humble and close to His heart.  I'm so afraid of becoming fat and kicking...  but fear of pride can not be a reason for not moving forward.

Sh'ma Israel, Adonai, the L-rd is your G-d!!  He has not forgotten you and so now i can trust He will not deal unjustly with me.  Yeshua, i plead Your blood on my whole being.  Use me, help me be worthy of the calling You have for me.

Hopefully, i have spurred some thoughts in those who have read this.
I love you guys, thanks for reading!!
-J-

Do work son!

In the words of one of my favorite people of all time as portrayed by David H. Stern in the CJB.
'Pointless! Pointless! — says Kohelet —
Utterly meaningless! Nothing matters!
³ What does a person gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

Generations come, generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
⁵ The sun rises, the sun sets;
then it speeds to its place and rises there.
⁶ The wind blows south,
then it turns north;
the wind blows all around
and keeps returning to its rounds.
⁷ All the rivers flow to the sea,
yet the sea is not full;
to the place where the rivers flow,
there they keep on flowing.

Everything is wearisome,
more than one can express;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
the ear not filled up with hearing.

⁹ What is crooked can’t be straightened;
what is not there can’t be counted.

You can't count what doesn't exist.  You can't depend on what's not there.  Looking for something that doesn't exist is meaningless.  Men strive for wealth, contentment, satisfaction...  But these are only momentary pleasures.  Once found they must still be searched for.  Even in Yeshua, we want more.  'More of You, more of You.'  We plead...  What if He has given it to us already?  What if our striving and straining under the sun is really just adding anxiety to our busy days?  Yes, a man must work or he doesn't eat, and a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than a pagan, but working and striving are two different things.  

This man who I admire very much also said of the striving man, again through David H. Stern's translation, His whole life is one of pain, and his work is full of stress; even at night his mind gets no rest. This too is pointless. So there is nothing better for a man to do than eat, drink and and let himself enjoy the good that results from his work. I also realized that this is from God’s hand. For who will eat and who will enjoy except me? For to the man who is good from [God’s] viewpoint he gives wisdom, knowledge and joy; but to the sinner he gives the task of collecting and accumulating things to leave to him who is good from God’s viewpoint. This too is pointless and feeding on wind.

I just can't help but to think that Solomon was right on and so close to his own answer but he didn't realize the question was wrong!  Yes, it is pointless to strive, collect and accumulate things to leave to the next generation.  But if we can lay down our own pride and our desire to make something of ourselves then the legacy we leave behind becomes less and less important...  It's not about our legacy, its about G-d's redemptive plan in producing righteousness in the whole world throughout time and space.  

Still, the fact that everyone can eat and drink and enjoy the good that results from all his work, is a gift of God.  I know that

whatever God does will last forever;
there is nothing to add or subtract from it;
and God has done it so that people will fear him.

 That which was is here already;
and that which will be has already been,
but God seeks out what people chase after.

I don't know, maybe Solomon gets it better than i thought...  The point is though to strive toward enjoying the way the L-rd set up the world instead of always asking Him why He set it up that way.  L-rd why is there suffering, why do the wicked prosper?  These are questions that remind me of the bickering kids i work with...  'but, but, but Mr. Jeremy!!  Kyle got two cereals and i only got one!!  That's not fair!!'  'He punched me, he's going to get what he deserves...  I hate him...  I'm never going to forgive him.'  'How come Jacob gets to be at the front of the line?'  'But L-rd i fed you, i gave you clothes, i visited you when you were alone...'  

'Enough, why are you so concerned about what your neighbor does or doesn't get?'

Next I realized that all effort and achievement stem from one person’s envy of another. This too is futility and feeding on wind.

 Fools fold their arms together
and eat their own flesh away.

 Better an armload with tranquility
than both arms full of effort and feeding on wind.

'Why are you so concerned about what your neighbor does or doesn't get?  Don't you have enough?  Haven't i provided for you?  Haven't i clothed you, fed you, brought you out of your slavery?  I wan't to take you and show you so much more than money, food, and clothes...  I wan't you to share in My plan, I wan't to enjoy playing games with you, I wan't to teach you things you never even imagined...  But your too busy shouting meaningless, meaningless...  Yes, your striving and searching is meaningless, but I AM the author of meaning.  I define all things and hold them inside of creation and keep them together.  Do you really think meaning resides in your efforts?

Watch your step when you go to the house of God. Offering to listen is better than fools offering sacrifices, because they don’t discern whether or not they are doing evil.
    Don’t speak impulsively — don’t be in a hurry
   to give voice to your words before God.
   For God is in heaven, and you are on earth;
   so let your words be few.
²     For nightmares come from worrying too much;
   and a fool, when he speaks, chatters too much.


This is what I have seen to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, drink and enjoy the good that results from all his work that he engages in under the sun for all the days of his life that God has given him, for this is his allotted portion. Also, everyone to whom God has given riches and wealth, along with the power to enjoy it, so that he takes his allotted portion and finds pleasure in his work — this is a gift of God; for he will not brood over the fact that his life is short, since God keeps him occupied with what will bring him joy.

Whatever he is, he was named long ago,
and it is known that he is merely human;
moreover, he cannot defeat
what is mightier than he [death].

¹¹ There are many things that only add to futility,
so how do humans benefit from them?
¹² For who knows what is good for someone during life,
during the days of his pointless life spent like a shadow?
Who can tell what will happen under the sun
after a person is gone?

Even if we enjoy the work our hands find, we cannot defeat that which is mightier than us, namely death.  If only there was someone stronger than death that we could join...  Then life could have meaning, and death would not be so intimidating.

Consider the work of God:
who can make straight what he has made crooked?
¹⁴ 

Has anyone ever spit in your face?

A very angry and hurt 9 year old boy just spit in my face 3 times.  It's a strange feeling...  It's not a good feeling.  Then he basically became fixated on me so i had to remove myself from the room.   I don't understand why a child would do that...  

I'm going to days here at TLC soon.  It's exciting to have a day job again but also a little intimidating.  The pay could be better, the working conditions could be a little safer, but i know this is where G-d want's me.  

1 Peter 1:7 '... The purpose of these trials is so that your trust's genuineness, which is far more valuable than perishable gold, will be judged worthy of praise, glory and honor at the revealing of Yeshua the Messiah.  8 Without having seen him, you love him.  Without seeing him now, but trusting in him, you continue to be full of joy that is glorious beyond words. 9 And you are receiving what your trust is aiming at, namely, deliverance.'

Joy is the result of deliverance.  Deliverance is the result of trusting in him.  Trials test and stretch our trust to new levels.  So, the harder things are the more my faith is stretched.  As my faith is stretched if i respond by exercising trust, deliverance will come, followed by an indescribable joy.  

Thank you Yeshua that life isn't easy.  You are bringing me from glory to glory.  Help me to always stay in a place of rest and trust in you!